1. Beware the uncanny penetration through a hard-soled shoe of yonder hedge-hog cactus spine by thy neighbor's door, yea, it shall utterly destroy a little boy's Halloween jubilee, yea, even in that very moment he beginneth his happy quest as Superman for sweet rewards. (Sorry, James)
2. See ye with relief that no smaller sibling shall choke to death in a house wherein resides 2 City of Phoenix Life Guards. (Gracias Bi & James)
3. No simultaneous act of grooming or personal hygiene is impossible in a house with 7 people and 1 bathroom ~ unless the door be locked.
4. Rush not head-long to the school defending thy first-born from the wicked accusation she hath be-deviled her classmates with the "Bloody Mary" game. For as soon as thy defense is mounted, yea, thy voice is high-pitched and the honor of thy darling upheld, the teacher doth wordlessly direct thee to thy child's desk, wherein is found the "Bloody Mary" hand-written notes of terror. (sorry, Mrs. Leon)
5. Watch ye diligently that thy littlest daughter give not the pet baby dove to her elder brother for safe-keeping; for behold, he doth sleep much all the day long, yea, even as the dead doth he sleep. For behold, when thy little daughter returneth, she inquireth of him sweetly, "Brother, where is the baby dove I lent thee?" And his countenance doth alter from one of stupor, yea, even quickly it changeth to one of fear and trembling...wherein ye shall find the baby dove flattened beneath his body upon the bed. (oops, Leiland)
6. Harden not your heart to the child who on winding road trips seeketh fresh air. Yea, instead ye shall be solicitous, and shall halt immediately and usher him away from the vehicle perchance your journey be salvaged. Learn ye also to always pack gallon zip-lock bags, and festoon the back seat with a picnic blanket for every excursion. O, be wise.
7. Think not that the household must hover in abject silence if the baby doth sleep. Nay, but be ye about much noise and activity lest ye create a child that cannot abide the rhythm of life. Electric guitar, yea even strains of Ozzy Osbourne shall indeed be as a lullaby to children of well-rounded experience.
8. Never punish the child who is exhausted. For behold, experience showeth thee that yon tantrum is righteously a cry for the sweet release of slumber. See that ye oblige.
9. Fret not whether sugar or chocolate or occasional soda drinks do poison the child; all in moderation is ordained for thy good. Do provide wholesome meals, and submit not to the picky-eater, for of such is the Kingdom of Complaint.
10. Fear not the screamer, nor the wailer, nor the eruption of screeching accompanied by much flailing of limbs and flying saliva. One possessed requireth an audience, and will cease when ye refrain from homage. Subject the same to frequent stroller walks or other physical activities which do render the beast sufficiently quieted and fatigued.
11. Read ye liberally from classic books - not with labour and weariness, but with joy and passion. Assail the ear often with melodious language and prose, lest thy children become doltish and lack artistic vision or their tongues be confounded. Fine ye the offender of careless grammar, like, whatever.
12. Shy not from what is vile, odiferant, grotesquely liquified or otherwise objectionable. Whatever the ailment, 'tis but for a small moment. Endure it well, for 'twil surely happen again and in quick succession, yea, even until all within the house are afflicted. Yet the destroyer shall not prevail; ye shall survive.
13. Step ye not into the fray as thy child's referee should conflict arise betwixt playmates, but refrain as long as possible, perchance resolution occurs naturally. But wholly refrain from confronting the mother of thy adolescent or teen daughter's princess-associate; this is a different ball game - go ye not there. Rather, wait. Give thine own daughter somber counsel. And wait ye more. All will be aright.
14. Sing and dance oft. Laugh generously at original snowman and knock-knock jokes. When coinage is scarce and family fun appeareth frustrated, turn off the lights and behold, lay ye on the bed with a flashlight, and begin a spaceship story ye pass from one to to the next, yea, even so that all do add unto it.
15. When accomplishing Saturday family chores, play ye rousing music to rally the troops. Offer sufficient incentive, saying, 'yonder cool reward await thee if all be finished forthwith'; leap into the action thyself, lest the momentum be sacrificed. Curse ye if the reward be money - O ye of little faith and little imagination! Defile not that which God intended for children to learn as their moral contribution to the family.
16. Haste ye to stop thy 2 boys from tormenting a large wasp with a plastic yellow bat whilst their little sister lay within inches innocently watching without fear. For behold, this is not wisdom. Ye ought to be smarter than they all. (sorry Asia)