Thursday, January 22

Senate Seat Sitcom

Camelot Caroline Kennedy is out, the "Nanny" is in. If sitcom darling Fran Drescher can chit-chat with Governor Patterson about her offings towards the U.S. Senate seat vacated by the Hillers, then so can I! We can work out the whole residency thing later, I'm sure. Given the obvious dumbing-down for Senate prerequisites, my qualifications are totally awesome; and once I have a chance to present them to his excellency, the spot is mine.

Queens origins aside, what's she got? We love Drescher for fitting into a size 2 and advocating women's health issues, and certainly respect her status as a uterine cancer survivor. Just because my uterus has not been the subject of meaningful dialogue before doesn't mean it couldn't happen. Even her award-winning Hollywood experience does not promote her chances as much as she thinks it does; everyone knows her agent handled all the contract negotiations - the only thing she had to do was show up in heels and read her lines. If a positive attitude was all that was required, then she would be a delightful shoe-in. But seriously, successful Senating is not all about personality. Some things should change - motherhood should definitely automatically set the standard for performance. Hillary only has one, Fran has none, and yours truly has 5. Rose Kennedy had like 11 or something. See what I mean? Nebulously-defined Life experience is now what it's all about.

Here are the top five reasons I should be considered for Clinton's New York Senate seat:

5. I have ample foreign relations experience.
If the Oral environment isn't foreign territory to 99% of the population, then I don't know what is. Can you tell the difference between a bi-cuspid and a 3rd molar? A fistula and a bifurcation? Where is tooth #7 located in your mouth? When would a 558 carbide bur be preferred over a 335? And could you correctly anticipate gelfoam for packing a "bleeder"? These are pressing questions that effect real change in real lives. I can't even count how many times I said, "Sigame, por favor" or "Abra la boca"and "no te muevas" in perfect Spanish. I not only have experience, I speak the language.

4. I have implemented tough policy.
"I'm sorry, but I must insist you wait here while we address little Tiffany's dental needs. Thank you!"
"You must wear this lead shield, or we cannot proceed."
"Mr. Jones, I can tell that this is not today's lunch. It is not even yesterday's lunch. You are failing to maintain proper oral hygiene."
"Consuming alcohol is not an acceptable pre-operative sedation. We'll have to reschedule."
"You may only play nintendo requisite to the amount of time you first read 'Robinson Crusoe' or some other suitable classic."
"I didn't ask if you wanted to. I said you will..."
"See your MySpace? See this delete button...?"
"Hand over your cell phone. Now."

3. I have lofty principles that will not be compromised.
I believe in fluoride. I will not recommend commercial mouthwashes, or electric toothbrushes - even Butler. You can be an Aborrigini in the bush chewing on a stick and achieve better results; it's all about technique, technique, technique.
I believe you have a right to express yourself freely and without reservation, before 9 PM.
I believe your petition to go out tonight is commensurate with the degree to which your room is clean and the bathroom does not look like a crime scene.
I will never attend a church "trunk or treat" because it is a "safe" Halloween alternative.

2. I have bold leadership skills and collaborative experience.
I chose the Southern plantation owner's side in a civil war unit role-play in high school. My ability to thoroughly research my divinely superior position and present it with a bubble gum cigar in hand and thick, Southern accent reduced my weenie "we're all created equal" Northern Abolitionist opponent to tears. Class had to be dismissed early. I got an 'A'. ~ (p.s. it was role play - pretend)
I served on the Newspaper Committee in Young Adults.
I threatened the Creighton School District with media attention if they did not correct their fondness for rouge school buses holding kids hostage for 2 hours while their non-English speaking driver got lost clear downtown by Bank One Ballpark. They conducted the emergency parent meeting as per my demand, and let us chew up the idiot depot manager to boot.
I can manipulate 13 Nursery kids to conform to my will for several 1o minute stretches at a time.

1. I am experienced in sensitive domestic negotiations.
Yesterday, I politely informed the next door neighbor his motion-sensitive security light was on steady all night and made our bedroom like Las Vegas. He apologized and fixed it.
19 years ago, I informed 4 year old Angie at 6AM that she could not play with Leiland for 2 reasons; we were all asleep and, she was totally nude.
I am comfortable re-phrasing my communications with some people until they demonstrate a passable understanding of what I said.
Ditto for choice 'educators' oft encountered in our swirling-the-drain public school system.
I am a quick-study; I could probably 'carelessly' over-look paying thousands of dollars in taxes, send sexually explicit gay e-mails to young Capitol Hill pages, flash gay hand-signals in a public potty, accept bribes from lobbyists and majorly remodel my kitchen, be casually chummy with William Ayers, valiantly admit to a seedy laison with a Madame or hire illegals with the best of them ~ if only given the chance.

Wednesday, January 14


I'm going to Kenya for the Obama safari. You should too, as daily there are more and more close relatives of the American President-elect popping-up out of the bush, eager to host your welcome visit. Of course, this burgeoning family tree seems to be more a branching out of capitalistic opportunity than blood-lines, but that's beside the point.

The Kenya Presidential Heritage Safari is a brilliant supplemental offering to an 11-day game park excursion. The dusty little Lake Victoria village of Nyang'oma Kogelo is the ancestral home of the senior Obama. An Obama step-grandmother still lives in the family home. You may ask for "Mama Sarah" and possibly expect a nice cup of signature Kenya black tea. (Here is Mama. She is actually very regal looking).

Always appreciative of a clever marketing scheme (how fortunate for William Shatner to enjoy the perfect 2nd wind to what might have been a bottom's up career in his very fun and oddly appropriate role as the Price Negotiator!), it is easy to see the rippling benefits of this "Roots" revisited trek.

Nairobi officials are finally considering road works and other desperately needed infrastructure improvements to accommodate Land Rover loads of enthusiastic American pilgrims inconvenienced by pesky, narrow dirt roads. Locals are especially motivated to put on their best 'good neighbor' face in addition to offering a host of affordable, genuine souvenirs. In a place that was very recently convulsing in a violent, bloody ethnic war after their presidential election ~

it is astonishing what can quickly be accomplished in hopes of luring back the tourist dollar from 'in-your-face' Tanzania. What's more, there is a real hope that attention to the new American president's fatherland will generate coveted U.S. relations.

The historic safari with the big name is the marketing genius of a White South African-born travel agent based out of New York, Mr. Kenneth Hieber. Being an entrepreneur with a 6th sense for exploiting popular trends, Bwana Kenny is also doing very well with another travel venture that appears as packed with diversified adventure as it is uniquely exclusive.

Actually, after all my personal interest in the world's cultural and social dilemmas ~ who would have thought that money really would be the solution? First things first: We don't need malaria prevention or clean, potable water; we don't need police reform or cleansing of Brazil's infamous drug slums, we don't even need a lot of attention to complicated government corruption or extremist religious ideology - we just need American tourists. Lots of them. Massive political and social cooperation will naturally re-direct itself towards graciously hosting and promoting a safe and welcoming environment for wealthy foreigners (whom everyone knows will not tolerate the same living conditions your own people have had to cope with forever). Hostilities at last aside, the peoples of the world would instead be focused on protecting and benefiting from their revitalized and oh so generous tourist trade.

Too bad Obama doesn't have more ancestral homes. Now the problem presents of what would act as sufficient spiritual draw to attract tourists somewhere in addition to Kenya...

Wednesday, January 7

Thinking Outside the Little Brown Bag

Thank goodness a tiny segment of society thinks differently than the rest of us. I mean, really differently. These are the few, the proud, the gifted - who encounter a problem and wholly dedicate themselves to discovering a logical, scientifically supported solution to it.

The miracle age of antibiotics has blessed us with obvious rewards. However, clever little micro-organisms mutate with each dose of countering antibiotic. Increasingly so they develop into deadly superbugs – strains that are resistant to antibiotics. That is old news. Here is the New news:

Flora & Fauna

When the "microbiome'' of our mysterious bacterial ecosystem inside the digestive tract loses the proper balance of normal flora and fauna (after an antibiotic series), an invitation to “the beast”

is issued. A nasty, toxic bacterium identified as C. difficile can move in and play Animal House in your system for a very long time (one patient suffered something like 20 episodes of severe diarrhea a day for a year), and can definitely be lethal.

The Thinker: Fortunately, a great thinker among us has proposed and is achieving an astonishing 90% success rate with a delightfully natural yet totally scientific solution. Danish gastroenterologist Dr. Johannes Aas has humbly pioneered the healing art of The Stool Transplant. Once ridiculed by his colleagues, the technique speaks for itself - often generating an instant cure.

The curious may read fascinating procedural details here. An intriguing phone interview with the good Doctor is documented here. This reading will also answer three of my own searching questions:

1) How does one even think of this in the first place, and

2) What is a probiotic and why should I care

and finally,

3) Who would be a Donor?

Turns out lots of people think about this topic - well, very generally speaking, that is. Personal observation and a quick Google search leads me to assume it’s a guy thing, and the majority of the more ardent devotees definitely must be Korean.

(Read about this unique Korean