The Profundity of Motherhood II

1. Suffer not the pouter. Require the pouty face to be washed-off, yea, even with pure water, and the pouter removed to their room until such time as a cheerful countenance may emerge.

2. Tolerate not the clinger, the noodle-spine, the child that clasps fiercely to thy person. Such will be grossly impaired in maturity and self-confidence. Beware lest ye feel to emotionally say, 'Behold how my child doth need me!' for verily, this is a great lie. Be ye therefore not deceived. Rather, defend thy child's right to maturity by quitting them the behavior forthwith. Speak unemotionally. Direct them to a new activity, yea, with firmness and a pleasant expression.

3. Baby-talk not. Implore not. Explain not excessively anything. Simply do ye. Know ye not that a 3 year old is not biologically capable of rational thought?

4. Apologize freely to thy children if ye do error in judgement, or if ye mistake in displaying sinful anger against them. Beware pride, lest ye destroy trust.

5. Resolve early to deny children all requests for drinks of water and potty visits during Church. Ply them not with abundant foodstuffs, making worship a picnic. Take ye crawling babies not out to the foyer, lest all the children see that worship time is frolic time. Be ye assured that little children can learn to sit quietly; ask ye rather, 'Do I have resolve?'

6. Praise the helper, the obedient, the creative, the patient, the careful, the thoughtful, the cheerful, the story-teller, the funny-bone, of such is the Kingdom of Joy.

7. Tolerate not one whit the unworthy interrupter, the back-talker, the mom-hitter; verily, of such later is an exceedingly sullen, ungrateful teen with a driver's license.

8. Be ye not intimidated to quiet the chatterer, as it is not healthy for such to prattle thoughtlessly. Teach ye instead the intrinsic value of communication, what it is - and what it is not.

9. If ye be awake with the baby who seemeth uncomforted, think not ~ 'I suffer!' Rather, proclaim lustily to thyself, 'I be up and doing!' thereby devoting thyself to the baby until such a time as it sleepeth at last. Wherefore ye are then happily surprised, and rewarded with returning to thy repose.

10. Study ye development charts for age appropriate behaviors, lest ye be traumatized by giving too many choices to young children assuming this is progressive. Yea, ye do mistake. Offer ye only 2 options, yea, ye shall indeed encourage self-confidence.

11. Resist the flattering, seductive whisper of yon video and computer games. Indeed, ye shall ignore labels on such that hollowly claim "educational". For behold, it ever has been since the world was, that nothing replaceth pencil or scissors in hand; yea, there is naught from a video game which may be displayed on the fridge or mailed to Grandma.

12. Choose ye instead crosswords, word-searches, mazes, follow the dot activities and picture

stories from free internet downloads. Be not afrighted of markers, paints, glue, beads, mosaics with seeds, macaroni necklaces, clay and all manner of creative medium. Thankfully, even very little children do quickly master rules and guides for use of the same. Likewise, they do also learn to respect the common crayola, taking care to break it not. (Avoid ye the incompetent glue stick; for it doth not deliver, yea, it hath not any lasting stick. Revile also against the dollar store tray of cake watercolors - for they do mock the young artist, being made in China, and are utterly incapable of transmitting color).

Prepare ye a place of order wherein the children may have access to common drawing utensils and papers of every description. And it shall come to pass; thy reward will be great, yea, even nigh unto rejoicing with the Angels because thy children do entertain themselves with great industry, small-muscle coordination, originality and cognitive skill! Yea, they do blossom.

13. Think not that discipline stifles the child, nay, it frees the spirit to understand proper limits. Be bold and consistent, yet mild in voice. Bow not to demands, but teach ye respect for you and the sacred family rules. Consider ye this quest equal to thy desire to keep them physically safe; ye would not allow a ride without yon car seat! Neither shall ye allow undisciplined character development, yea, which thing is far more dangerous.

14. The Play Pen: Heed not modern mother-speak about the criminality of said device, they know not what they do. Be not adverse to the Holy Play Pen, for behold, in truth it is thy Salvation and thy Rock ~ wherein a child temporarily is safe and happy while with toxic chemicals thou scrubbest the bathroom, or while thou weed the garden or labour over hot stove. Behold, see also how thou mayest go potty without an audience! Sayeth I more ~ ?

15. Always assume the child is Capable. Trust ye that children are Smart. Verily, verily, I say unto you: exceedingly more damage is done when ability is decided for the child, rather than offering him the opportunity to let his Light So Shine. Coddle not, nor shall ye play the constant protector; lest unwisely ye stifle and kill the genius within.

16. Remember, O Remember, mother's role is to nurture the emergence of a functioning, creative adult. Wherefore, ye have no need for the perpetual child. Alas ~ of such we have enough, and Wo unto us! Wo unto society for the misguided mother who mistaketh childish dependence as proof of love for her; she doth cheat herself and her child of the productive future they deserve.

Serve the young child as ye ought, but piously refrain from creating the "velcro" child. For the same is not cute nor shy clutching behind thy skirts, avoiding normal social behaviors and demanding constant contact with thy person. Behold, the child is thwarted, and ought to be firmly encouraged to accept a calm separation from thee. Ye need not linger, for ye do not sooth the child by doing so, rather, ye do expertly confirm that separation from you is greatly lamentable. Ye do cultivate fear and insecurity by your much soothing. Neither shall ye sneak thyself away, lest ye teach the child betrayal. Rather, say ye lovingly, "I go now, but I will return." If the child cry - this is no calamity. No child ever died from crying. Go ye in peace.

The Profundity of Motherhood ~ I

PART ONE

1. Beware the uncanny penetration through a hard-soled shoe of yonder hedge-hog cactus spine by thy neighbor's door, yea, it shall utterly destroy a little boy's Halloween jubilee, yea, even in that very moment he beginneth his happy quest as Superman for sweet rewards. (Sorry, James)

2. See ye with relief that no smaller sibling shall choke to death in a house wherein resides 2 City of Phoenix Life Guards. (Gracias Bi & James)

3. No simultaneous act of grooming or personal hygiene is impossible in a house with 7 people and 1 bathroom ~ unless the door be locked.

4. Rush not head-long to the school defending thy first-born from the wicked accusation she hath be-deviled her classmates with the "Bloody Mary" game. For as soon as thy defense is mounted, yea, thy voice is high-pitched and the honor of thy darling upheld, the teacher doth wordlessly direct thee to thy child's desk, wherein is found the "Bloody Mary" hand-written notes of terror. (sorry, Mrs. Leon)

5. Watch ye diligently that thy littlest daughter give not the pet baby dove to her elder brother for safe-keeping; for behold, he doth sleep much all the day long, yea, even as the dead doth he sleep. For behold, when thy little daughter returneth, she inquireth of him sweetly, "Brother, where is the baby dove I lent thee?" And his countenance doth alter from one of stupor, yea, even quickly it changeth to one of fear and trembling...wherein ye shall find the baby dove flattened beneath his body upon the bed. (oops, Leiland)

6. Harden not your heart to the child who on winding road trips seeketh fresh air. Yea, instead ye shall be solicitous, and shall halt immediately and usher him away from the vehicle perchance your journey be salvaged. Learn ye also to always pack gallon zip-lock bags, and festoon the back seat with a picnic blanket for every excursion. O, be wise.

7. Think not that the household must hover in abject silence if the baby doth sleep. Nay, but be ye about much noise and activity lest ye create a child that cannot abide the rhythm of life. Electric guitar, yea even strains of Ozzy Osbourne shall indeed be as a lullaby to children of well-rounded experience.

8. Never punish the child who is exhausted. For behold, experience showeth thee that yon tantrum is righteously a cry for the sweet release of slumber. See that ye oblige.

9. Fret not whether sugar or chocolate or occasional soda drinks do poison the child; all in moderation is ordained for thy good. Do provide wholesome meals, and submit not to the picky-eater, for of such is the Kingdom of Complaint.

10. Fear not the screamer, nor the wailer, nor the eruption of screeching accompanied by much flailing of limbs and flying saliva. One possessed requireth an audience, and will cease when ye refrain from homage. Subject the same to frequent stroller walks or other physical activities which do render the beast sufficiently quieted and fatigued.

11. Read ye liberally from classic books - not with labour and weariness, but with joy and passion. Assail the ear often with melodious language and prose, lest thy children become doltish and lack artistic vision or their tongues be confounded. Fine ye the offender of careless grammar, like, whatever.

12. Shy not from what is vile, odiferant, grotesquely liquified or otherwise objectionable. Whatever the ailment, 'tis but for a small moment. Endure it well, for 'twil surely happen again and in quick succession, yea, even until all within the house are afflicted. Yet the destroyer shall not prevail; ye shall survive.

13. Step ye not into the fray as thy child's referee should conflict arise betwixt playmates, but refrain as long as possible, perchance resolution occurs naturally. But wholly refrain from confronting the mother of thy adolescent or teen daughter's princess-associate; this is a different ball game - go ye not there. Rather, wait. Give thine own daughter somber counsel. And wait ye more. All will be aright.

14. Sing and dance oft. Laugh generously at original snowman and knock-knock jokes. When coinage is scarce and family fun appeareth frustrated, turn off the lights and behold, lay ye on the bed with a flashlight, and begin a spaceship story ye pass from one to to the next, yea, even so that all do add unto it.

15. When accomplishing Saturday family chores, play ye rousing music to rally the troops. Offer sufficient incentive, saying, 'yonder cool reward await thee if all be finished forthwith'; leap into the action thyself, lest the momentum be sacrificed. Curse ye if the reward be money - O ye of little faith and little imagination! Defile not that which God intended for children to learn as their moral contribution to the family.

16. Haste ye to stop thy 2 boys from tormenting a large wasp with a plastic yellow bat whilst their little sister lay within inches innocently watching without fear. For behold, this is not wisdom. Ye ought to be smarter than they all. (sorry Asia)