Friday, March 27

God's Report Card: Part One

If we could give God a report card, this might be a nice start:
Earth & Space Sciences
ESS Erosion 876: The Colorado Plateau
~ Sedona, AZ ~ A+
Ordained former inland sea deposits ingeniously uplifted over time to now exhibit beautifully accessible layers of sedimentary (fossil-rich) history in classic red sandstone, and conveniently capped by lighter colored limestone.

Presentation: Surrounded by what is now high desert at around 4,500 feet above sea level, this geological anomaly is not only preserved for our enjoyment, but is much easier to reach out and touch than her famous sister, the Grand Canyon. Well done!
GEOMETRY: Symmetry ~ A +
Complex data easily interpreted and practically applied. Superior skill and knowledge of subject consistently and delightfully demonstrated in situ.

Physical Science/Work Habits ~ A +
Iron-laced sand presents a very comfortable and colorful trail. Collaborative ability in directing the sedimentary process reflects positive leadership, critical thinking and stunning forethought; life-skill of patience deserves Exceptional Merit.

ART: Achieving Contrast
Effortlessly juxtaposes divergent lines and forms to present a composite whole which is both engaging and inspiring. Not distracted by excessive design; renders simplistic themes with extraordinary richness.

and Texture ~ A+
Expresses a respect for life forms in varying stages of propagation or decay; often combining elements of opposing vitality expertly and without reservation.

Fluency & Creative Expression ~ A +
Excellent mastery of color, depth and composition. Exceptional attention to delicate, seasonal detail noted.

Horticulture ~ A+
Of course.

Progress Report on Clinical Field Study of Mortal Subjects

ORTHP: Sports Medicine
~ A +
Mortal A) Demonstrates sound theory and physical application of wilderness ambulation.

Mortal B) Needs Improvement:


Expresses healthy sense of humor and imagination via multi-media efforts.

1. "Family Portrait"

2. "Mobile Home"

3. "Private Joke"

4. "Mustard Gone Wrong"

ENGL: Reading/Literacy ~ A +

Creative writing extends well beyond grade-level. Mechanics, context, expression and comprehension clearly mastered. Interpretation miraculously and abundantly transposed to overt physical manifestation; "poetry in motion" as it were. Literacy levels exceed expectations and indeed, human comprehension.

PSYCH: Honors Behavioral Science ~ A ++
* Highest Achievement Award
Generosity, pure love and social benevolence beyond description; provides a spectacularly appointed environment explicitly for the happy individual development and pleasure of all living organisms.

*photos courtesy of dctanner/Spring Break 2009

Tuesday, March 24

Hard Sell

Geithner move over; financial rebound is only a melt-in-your-mouth bite away!

Did you get your Church News with the 'Mormon Times' insert this week? How much money did you bet there would be mention of Marie Osmond? What are the chances she would not only be mentioned (again), but debut as spokesperson for yet another product?

GAG me. Now we have some mystical, "healthy" chocolate with a crazy meso-american
name and Marie's extra-cake-foundation mug all over it. If they could get away with calling it Book of Mormon Candy and offer testimonials about its spiritual benefits, or possibly a link to
DNA evidence (you have to be up on the latest B.ofM. scam that
carpet-bagging members are racking in the dough on to get that) then there really would be a veritable money-maker to turn the market around and how. Oh wait, it's the next best thing - a pyramid scheme catering to gulible Mormons who are interested in earning up to $5000 a month on something that cures allergies and high blood pressure, unsightly age spots, brain tumors, bleeding gums, and tastes like dessert! It's like a super righteous Word of Wisdom small business opportunity! It's packaged in bulk and recommended for your year's supply food storage! (Because after all, if distribution of goods and services is ever interrupted by a hurricane or an atom bomb, heaven knows we wouldn't want our families to go without chocolate). It's like, *blessed!

I want Marie's agent. This genius has succeeded in keeping her mediocre career one step out of Branson and on the talk show B-list forever - much to Donny's dismay. How anyone's career could survive her embarrassing Baby Doll exhibition on Dancing With the Stars is beyond me.
Maybe it was the fainting bit; sympathetic drama to energize the ever loyal fan base. She even exploited her post-partum depression as another headliner story - remember that? (Wouldn't we all like to "hand the Nanny the checkbook" and take a tearful drive up the scenic coast highway?) After a second divorce and the Nutri-system contract, all she needs now is one of her 8 kids making a scandal. Oh wait, that already happened - times three. Then she publicly criticized Billy Ray Cyrus' parenting. I am sure there will be another appropriately timed media opportunity, something that pops up right when her doll sales stagnate or her new Las Vegas show generates reviews. Her hair extensions look pretty good, though . . .

I am seriously going on a diet. It does not involve chocolate or any antioxidants that I am aware of.

* Hahaha - guess what? The swell testimonial page has since been expunged from their website. There IS truth in advertising after all. Too bad, though, comedic relief has its merits.

Thursday, March 12

Why 3rd World Countries Hate Us: (Sign up here to be an idiot)

Genius walks among us! Down with downward economics! We can all rest easier thanks to the strategic wizardry of the blessed few whose magnanimous example of thrift and frugality staggers the mind. While personally unimpressed with a habit of scrounging bagel scraps from her kid's plates for later use as "pizza toppings" (why didn't Domino's think of that?), we should be completely exhilarated by one woman's assertion that she dresses her daughters (ages 2 and 3) with hand-me-downs! For a real frugality shake-down; check out the amazing lifestyle of she who is crowned "The Most Frugal New Englander". (Keep in mind this honor was a contest win!)

Other incredible feats of derring-do offered by 'them what know' include:

1. making a shopping list
2. clipping coupons
3. shopping at Walmart

4. drying the family wash on a clothes line

5. saving frosting containers for desk & bathroom organizers

6. still wearing maternity clothes when no longer preggers

7. drying your hair by hanging your head over a fan

8. using vinegar for fabric softener

9. encouraging teens to find designer jeans at thrift stores

10. homemade laundry detergent

11. cooking homemade meals ahead & freezing them

12. taking kids to free events
13. buy used children's toys or shop on Craig's List
14. make your own baby food (can you do that?!)

As if these weren't electric enough, now the stunner of all stunners -

"...If you've read all the books in your local library, sign up for inter-loans. This is where you can borrow books from other libraries for free."

(I've returned to the keyboard after a brief gag of euphoric shock - talk about a challenge! I'm almost done reading ALL the books in my local library.)

Time does not permit referencing all the glorious penny-pincher advice out there, however, I trust you are as thankful as I am to finally be aware of just a few little life-saving gems on how to save money and resources. Wow! And to think ~ I was going to make frosting from scratch . . .

Seriously; couldn't you just barf? I mean, in a frugal way, of course. How is it that most of us grew up doing these things, many of us lived this way the whole time we were raising young children, and there really are some of us out there who still do this - so who are these people getting the sudden rocket-science revelation? More importantly; how can we punish entities that are rewarding them for making these unbelievably insulting lists? I can only hope that Mrs. "Most Frugal New Englander" for First Prize was given an old tire and some rope so her children could finally play in their own back yard - - - for free!!!

* photoes kurtesy of 'America's Next Top Model'

Tuesday, March 10

Fooleman Suleman

Nadya, O Nadya ~
so darn sick o' ya

No other
is quite as

The perennially pouty face
& fumbling p. r. race
is a macabre and tawdry

You've abused your mom
and from taxpayers drawn
only to satisfy

Who'd a thunk
an in-vitro slam-dunk
would also slam ethics
completely back shelf?

Still no one admits
you're mentally
or that you've grossly augmented
disclaimer: this post should be viewed as a reflection of legitimate public perception of an individual who has injected herself as a public exhibit for the purpose of personal gain in addition to unknown reasons, and not as fuel for accusations of the author's "unchristian" opinion or lack of spiritual compassion. For example, I sincerely pray she is awarded psychiatric treatment and her children given the divine intervention of living with someone else.

Wednesday, March 4

The Way Things Should Be

That little boy
whose passion is music
and computers
and vacuum cleaners
and cricket phones
whose whole being is Joy
is far away.

That little boy
on stroller walks
who sat content

and babbled mystery talk

whose laughter meant
is far away.

That little boy

who loved to be a dog
and his boyish things
bare feet in clover
and playground swings
eating bread reserved for
ducks at the pond
who was fond of apples
and broccoli "trees"
who missed his mama
whenever he was somewhere else
with us . . .

is now going to light up the day
and point out the moon
for others who love him
just as much
as we do.

How I miss that little boy,

Love Always ~ Mimi

Good fortune and happiness to James, Trisha & Jackson in their new home in Bakersfield, CA.