Thursday, February 5

The Mouth is the Window to the Soul

Sign me up for Wife Swap so I can slap that creeper around! Did you see that?! How do they find this segment of society? Are there more of them? Is it catching? Can we immunize?  

This week's episode featured (probably the first time ever) a perfectly normal American family vs some psycho-licious weirdos who live on a pseudo "farm" and worship the "natural" life as they see it. Upper-most on their list of ritualized devotions is the practice of eating raw meat. Not smoked, not pickled, not sushi ~ just do-it-yerrownself-home-butchered-quivering raw meat. Even chicken. 
For special occasions they bring out jars of putrid, expired raw meat and gobble it up with lip-smacking satisfaction. They don't believe in bathing daily or brushing their teeth. Their house was certifiably and utterly filthy. The four of them had emotions about as stable as sweaty bottles of nitroglycerine. 

The visiting wife took them to a restaurant for dinner so they could experience normal food. Within hours the 2 weenie teenage kids were moaning about how the strange food had made them sick. The camera focuses on the dad virtually collapsing into a fetal position in the bathroom, sobbing uncontrollably because his children were suffering. He accused the stunned guest wife of trying to poison them all.

On the opposing home front, dead-raw-meat-raw-egg-sucking-green-juice-drinking-swapping wife assaulted the host family non-stop. She was scary; long, ratty hair, baggy sweats and wrinkled super-sized t-shirts and a stream of outrageously aggressive demands that her lifestyle was the best thing since soap (er - not that) since carpet-dusting your house with manure. This was all fun and frivolity until we were treated to a close-up glimpse of her mouth. Just a peek. I came out of my seat. 

(Remember Princess Buttercup, presented to the common folk - berated by the old hag? "Boo! Filth! Queen of Putrescence! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck...!")
Can you say "Gingivitis"? "Trench Mouth"? "Anug?" Acute Necrotic Ulcerating Gingivitis? 

What an idiot. Some of these people are so crazy, and their behavior so offensive to common sense, you wonder if they are just making it all up for the momentary notoriety. Here was proof  of at least one fact: they really do abhor first world hygiene.

Now - if I had been the wife, I would avoid the pit-falls of previous contestants; the futile, constant clash to usurp the host family's cherished ways in favor of your own righteousness. In this particular instance, my path would have been clear. Handing the kids a mirror, I would have chosen the power of illustration over argument. 

First, I would use a toothpick to scrape off a bit of the active, seething plaque colony on their teeth as exhibit number 1. Second, I would ask them to drink some punch (or organic Kool-aid) - and then have them look in the mirror again at the expansive wasteland of brightly stained and aglutinative bacteria. There needn't be many words at a time like that. Just a little thoughtful observation. Next (apologizing sweetly for the hanky I am obliged to hold demurely over my nose and mouth), I might ask them which they prefer; chewing their tetched meat with healthy, organic teeth? Or blending it up in a blender?

Will Shatner move over. I am a negotiating genius.

8 comments:

Yaj said...

Having never seen the show, and not knowing it was even on TV, I haven't a witty comment.

Would it impress you that I have never had a cavity? Really!

Or braces.

Or gingivitis.

Or a root canal.

Or Anug.*

Or wisdom teeth! I lost them somewhere on the long and winding road.

* I may have Anuos for all I know.

Oh, that's Acute necrotic ulcerating other stuff.

Should we go there?

two forks said...

i just threw up a little bit in my mouth. okay, A LOT!

Lindsey said...

yuck. You make me glad that I don't watch that show! The characters they have on there are just too far-fetched for me. I would rather live in blissful ignorance (or denial) that those people exist.

Lindsey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cynthia said...

I never would have thought to add a dental hygiene lesson to the drama on wife-swap. Great idea. Have you sent in your audition tape to the show yet? (Could you imagine some of those odd-balls coming into our home? Yikes!)

CaliZona said...

yaj: you have failed me - I would have bet money your comment would have been in regard to the sexism of swapping wives instead of husbands and what that implies about the lessened influence of men in modern society...

However, your dental history is indeed very impressive. I suspect there was a high mineral content in the water where you were raised from embryo to about 3 years old.

Oh, and you scared me with the 'A' word you made up. Ew.

Binks: you weenie!!!

Lindsey: Weenie number 2! If you don't watch those far-fetched characters, how will you monitor their power structure? We must all be alert; they are not friendly, their intentions are unholy, and they will overthrow us if we let them...

Cynth: I sent in your application for you! You can thank me later, no problem. Personally, I'm holding out for a response from "Trading Spouses". How bad can they screw up $50,000?

Yaj said...

Yo! I didn't comment on the gender of the swapping because on the Wikipedia synopsis on your link it says "wives, and sometimes husbands." The producers probably pick the one that makes most people go Ugghh! That MEANS chicks... I believe they define that a "good" television.

Personally I would have nothing to swap but a wife... That's not sexist, it just is.

The wisdom teeth I lost just before going to South America for two years. The dentist said I would want them out here, not there... um, good point it was!

Anuos was a joke, though it did come with images I am sure...

Not sure about the mineral water. I grew up on Potomac River water. It was a heavily polluted place. In the Boy Scouts we hiked on it. I remember one time the river actually burned!

Are you sure brushing and flossing did not help?

My theory: I have always used blue toothbrushes. Never different, even in South America.
So, with Aristotelian logic:

I have never had a cavity.
I have always used blue toothbrushes.
Therefore, blue toothbrushes prevent cavities.

It follows, and is obvious. It cannot be disputed.

Caries me back to ol' Virginny!

Bandanamom said...

This particular wife swap has been haunting me since it's original airing around a year ago. Honestly. I have thought about this family several times and decided they "take the cake" in terms of weirdness and potential "CPS should step in a see what the heck is going on in the house" torture of their children. Good grief. I know people get picked for this show based on being interesting enough to be a storyline but these people really were actually quite disturbing. Sometimes I watch the show and think some of these things are hamming for the camera "we worship the earth goddess" nonsense, that may have a glimmer of truth but are totally played up for purposes of being on the show and actually getting aired, but these people seemed truly delusional and their house was surely disgusting enough that it took years to get it into that shape. On second airing which I happened to catch the other day (probably your first viewing) I noticed the toilet behind the husband in his crying scene in the bathroom was either filled with recent gastrointestinal distress remains, or had not been cleaned in so long it had actually turned varying shades of brown and black. Gads!