Hard Sell

Geithner move over; financial rebound is only a melt-in-your-mouth bite away!

Did you get your Church News with the 'Mormon Times' insert this week? How much money did you bet there would be mention of Marie Osmond? What are the chances she would not only be mentioned (again), but debut as spokesperson for yet another product?

GAG me. Now we have some mystical, "healthy" chocolate with a crazy meso-american
name and Marie's extra-cake-foundation mug all over it. If they could get away with calling it Book of Mormon Candy and offer testimonials about its spiritual benefits, or possibly a link to

DNA evidence (you have to be up on the latest B.ofM. scam that

carpet-bagging members are racking in the dough on to get that) then there really would be a veritable money-maker to turn the market around and how. Oh wait, it's the next best thing - a pyramid scheme catering to gulible Mormons who are interested in earning up to $5000 a month on something that cures allergies and high blood pressure, unsightly age spots, brain tumors, bleeding gums, and tastes like dessert! It's like a super righteous Word of Wisdom small business opportunity! It's packaged in bulk and recommended for your year's supply food storage! (Because after all, if distribution of goods and services is ever interrupted by a hurricane or an atom bomb, heaven knows we wouldn't want our families to go without chocolate). It's like, *blessed!

I want Marie's agent. This genius has succeeded in keeping her mediocre career one step out of Branson and on the talk show B-list forever - much to Donny's dismay. How anyone's career could survive her embarrassing Baby Doll exhibition on Dancing With the Stars is beyond me.
Maybe it was the fainting bit; sympathetic drama to energize the ever loyal fan base. She even exploited her post-partum depression as another headliner story - remember that? (Wouldn't we all like to "hand the Nanny the checkbook" and take a tearful drive up the scenic coast highway?) After a second divorce and the Nutri-system contract, all she needs now is one of her 8 kids making a scandal. Oh wait, that already happened - times three. Then she publicly criticized Billy Ray Cyrus' parenting. I am sure there will be another appropriately timed media opportunity, something that pops up right when her doll sales stagnate or her new Las Vegas show generates reviews. Her hair extensions look pretty good, though . . .

I am seriously going on a diet. It does not involve chocolate or any antioxidants that I am aware of.

* Hahaha - guess what? The swell testimonial page has since been expunged from their website. There IS truth in advertising after all. Too bad, though, comedic relief has its merits.

Safari-rama-bama

I'm going to Kenya for the Obama safari. You should too, as daily there are more and more close relatives of the American President-elect popping-up out of the bush, eager to host your welcome visit. Of course, this burgeoning family tree seems to be more a branching out of capitalistic opportunity than blood-lines, but that's beside the point.

The Kenya Presidential Heritage Safari is a brilliant supplemental offering to an 11-day game park excursion. The dusty little Lake Victoria village of Nyang'oma Kogelo is the ancestral home of the senior Obama. An Obama step-grandmother still lives in the family home. You may ask for "Mama Sarah" and possibly expect a nice cup of signature Kenya black tea. (Here is Mama. She is actually very regal looking).

Always appreciative of a clever marketing scheme (how fortunate for William Shatner to enjoy the perfect 2nd wind to what might have been a bottom's up career in his very fun and oddly appropriate role as the Price Negotiator!), it is easy to see the rippling benefits of this "Roots" revisited trek.

Nairobi officials are finally considering road works and other desperately needed infrastructure improvements to accommodate Land Rover loads of enthusiastic American pilgrims inconvenienced by pesky, narrow dirt roads. Locals are especially motivated to put on their best 'good neighbor' face in addition to offering a host of affordable, genuine souvenirs. In a place that was very recently convulsing in a violent, bloody ethnic war after their presidential election ~

it is astonishing what can quickly be accomplished in hopes of luring back the tourist dollar from 'in-your-face' Tanzania. What's more, there is a real hope that attention to the new American president's fatherland will generate coveted U.S. relations.

The historic safari with the big name is the marketing genius of a White South African-born travel agent based out of New York, Mr. Kenneth Hieber. Being an entrepreneur with a 6th sense for exploiting popular trends, Bwana Kenny is also doing very well with another travel venture that appears as packed with diversified adventure as it is uniquely exclusive.

Actually, after all my personal interest in the world's cultural and social dilemmas ~ who would have thought that money really would be the solution? First things first: We don't need malaria prevention or clean, potable water; we don't need police reform or cleansing of Brazil's infamous drug slums, we don't even need a lot of attention to complicated government corruption or extremist religious ideology - we just need American tourists. Lots of them. Massive political and social cooperation will naturally re-direct itself towards graciously hosting and promoting a safe and welcoming environment for wealthy foreigners (whom everyone knows will not tolerate the same living conditions your own people have had to cope with forever). Hostilities at last aside, the peoples of the world would instead be focused on protecting and benefiting from their revitalized and oh so generous tourist trade.

Too bad Obama doesn't have more ancestral homes. Now the problem presents of what would act as sufficient spiritual draw to attract tourists somewhere in addition to Kenya...