Thursday, January 22

Senate Seat Sitcom

Camelot Caroline Kennedy is out, the "Nanny" is in. If sitcom darling Fran Drescher can chit-chat with Governor Patterson about her offings towards the U.S. Senate seat vacated by the Hillers, then so can I! We can work out the whole residency thing later, I'm sure. Given the obvious dumbing-down for Senate prerequisites, my qualifications are totally awesome; and once I have a chance to present them to his excellency, the spot is mine.

Queens origins aside, what's she got? We love Drescher for fitting into a size 2 and advocating women's health issues, and certainly respect her status as a uterine cancer survivor. Just because my uterus has not been the subject of meaningful dialogue before doesn't mean it couldn't happen. Even her award-winning Hollywood experience does not promote her chances as much as she thinks it does; everyone knows her agent handled all the contract negotiations - the only thing she had to do was show up in heels and read her lines. If a positive attitude was all that was required, then she would be a delightful shoe-in. But seriously, successful Senating is not all about personality. Some things should change - motherhood should definitely automatically set the standard for performance. Hillary only has one, Fran has none, and yours truly has 5. Rose Kennedy had like 11 or something. See what I mean? Nebulously-defined Life experience is now what it's all about.

Here are the top five reasons I should be considered for Clinton's New York Senate seat:

5. I have ample foreign relations experience.
If the Oral environment isn't foreign territory to 99% of the population, then I don't know what is. Can you tell the difference between a bi-cuspid and a 3rd molar? A fistula and a bifurcation? Where is tooth #7 located in your mouth? When would a 558 carbide bur be preferred over a 335? And could you correctly anticipate gelfoam for packing a "bleeder"? These are pressing questions that effect real change in real lives. I can't even count how many times I said, "Sigame, por favor" or "Abra la boca"and "no te muevas" in perfect Spanish. I not only have experience, I speak the language.

4. I have implemented tough policy.
"I'm sorry, but I must insist you wait here while we address little Tiffany's dental needs. Thank you!"
"You must wear this lead shield, or we cannot proceed."
"Mr. Jones, I can tell that this is not today's lunch. It is not even yesterday's lunch. You are failing to maintain proper oral hygiene."
"Consuming alcohol is not an acceptable pre-operative sedation. We'll have to reschedule."
"You may only play nintendo requisite to the amount of time you first read 'Robinson Crusoe' or some other suitable classic."
"I didn't ask if you wanted to. I said you will..."
"See your MySpace? See this delete button...?"
"Hand over your cell phone. Now."

3. I have lofty principles that will not be compromised.
I believe in fluoride. I will not recommend commercial mouthwashes, or electric toothbrushes - even Butler. You can be an Aborrigini in the bush chewing on a stick and achieve better results; it's all about technique, technique, technique.
I believe you have a right to express yourself freely and without reservation, before 9 PM.
I believe your petition to go out tonight is commensurate with the degree to which your room is clean and the bathroom does not look like a crime scene.
I will never attend a church "trunk or treat" because it is a "safe" Halloween alternative.

2. I have bold leadership skills and collaborative experience.
I chose the Southern plantation owner's side in a civil war unit role-play in high school. My ability to thoroughly research my divinely superior position and present it with a bubble gum cigar in hand and thick, Southern accent reduced my weenie "we're all created equal" Northern Abolitionist opponent to tears. Class had to be dismissed early. I got an 'A'. ~ (p.s. it was role play - pretend)
I served on the Newspaper Committee in Young Adults.
I threatened the Creighton School District with media attention if they did not correct their fondness for rouge school buses holding kids hostage for 2 hours while their non-English speaking driver got lost clear downtown by Bank One Ballpark. They conducted the emergency parent meeting as per my demand, and let us chew up the idiot depot manager to boot.
I can manipulate 13 Nursery kids to conform to my will for several 1o minute stretches at a time.

1. I am experienced in sensitive domestic negotiations.
Yesterday, I politely informed the next door neighbor his motion-sensitive security light was on steady all night and made our bedroom like Las Vegas. He apologized and fixed it.
19 years ago, I informed 4 year old Angie at 6AM that she could not play with Leiland for 2 reasons; we were all asleep and, she was totally nude.
I am comfortable re-phrasing my communications with some people until they demonstrate a passable understanding of what I said.
Ditto for choice 'educators' oft encountered in our swirling-the-drain public school system.
I am a quick-study; I could probably 'carelessly' over-look paying thousands of dollars in taxes, send sexually explicit gay e-mails to young Capitol Hill pages, flash gay hand-signals in a public potty, accept bribes from lobbyists and majorly remodel my kitchen, be casually chummy with William Ayers, valiantly admit to a seedy laison with a Madame or hire illegals with the best of them ~ if only given the chance.


Cynthia said...

my, my, my. If only we could accumulate some sort of point system for life experience. Handling a cell phone and my space successfully with teenagers should account for double reward points. And dealing with the general public? Well, great experience. If it doesn't count for public office resumes, then at least it counts for interesting blog stories.

Yaj said...

May I be the first to offer my vote for the Senator from Calizona!! And proudly... I saw Chad hanging around here somewhere -- I'll go get him and get voting!

Need muscle? Pushed far enough I could probably put my fistula right into someone's bifurcation, and they'll be packing a bleeder alright. And my 558 has a larger gage than someone else's puny 335 carbide. You should know, I dress suitably classic, just like Robinson Crusoe (can't get into a size 2 though...). I will protect UTube just like it was MySpace.

I'll have to check on that pre-dental sedation - sorry, didn't know. Alternative? I do not usually do lunch, however, so my teeth should at least be free of that! I have in the past practiced "safe" Halloween, well, like every year. One guy always has a trunk full of the good stuff (Snickers, Milky Way, Three Musketeers, Rollo's, you know) and I usually go by more than once because it's really safe.

I also agree with wanting to abolish northern weenies.

You know, Caroline, you know, has, you know, like, um, you know, the right, you know, DNA and stuff, you know, for the job. But, you know, you are, you know, probably better. You know? You know, I don't know, you know, if she wears the, you know, like right genes, you know? Or is it, you know, like, um, spelled jeans?

So -- get elected! I'm right widcha*!! ¡Abro la boca para ti! ¡Sí, yo puedo! ¡Sí, yo puedo!

* Possibly "widja?" Not sure...

Anonymous said...

When do you leave?