Hard Sell

Geithner move over; financial rebound is only a melt-in-your-mouth bite away!

Did you get your Church News with the 'Mormon Times' insert this week? How much money did you bet there would be mention of Marie Osmond? What are the chances she would not only be mentioned (again), but debut as spokesperson for yet another product?

GAG me. Now we have some mystical, "healthy" chocolate with a crazy meso-american
name and Marie's extra-cake-foundation mug all over it. If they could get away with calling it Book of Mormon Candy and offer testimonials about its spiritual benefits, or possibly a link to

DNA evidence (you have to be up on the latest B.ofM. scam that

carpet-bagging members are racking in the dough on to get that) then there really would be a veritable money-maker to turn the market around and how. Oh wait, it's the next best thing - a pyramid scheme catering to gulible Mormons who are interested in earning up to $5000 a month on something that cures allergies and high blood pressure, unsightly age spots, brain tumors, bleeding gums, and tastes like dessert! It's like a super righteous Word of Wisdom small business opportunity! It's packaged in bulk and recommended for your year's supply food storage! (Because after all, if distribution of goods and services is ever interrupted by a hurricane or an atom bomb, heaven knows we wouldn't want our families to go without chocolate). It's like, *blessed!

I want Marie's agent. This genius has succeeded in keeping her mediocre career one step out of Branson and on the talk show B-list forever - much to Donny's dismay. How anyone's career could survive her embarrassing Baby Doll exhibition on Dancing With the Stars is beyond me.
Maybe it was the fainting bit; sympathetic drama to energize the ever loyal fan base. She even exploited her post-partum depression as another headliner story - remember that? (Wouldn't we all like to "hand the Nanny the checkbook" and take a tearful drive up the scenic coast highway?) After a second divorce and the Nutri-system contract, all she needs now is one of her 8 kids making a scandal. Oh wait, that already happened - times three. Then she publicly criticized Billy Ray Cyrus' parenting. I am sure there will be another appropriately timed media opportunity, something that pops up right when her doll sales stagnate or her new Las Vegas show generates reviews. Her hair extensions look pretty good, though . . .

I am seriously going on a diet. It does not involve chocolate or any antioxidants that I am aware of.

* Hahaha - guess what? The swell testimonial page has since been expunged from their website. There IS truth in advertising after all. Too bad, though, comedic relief has its merits.

Parenting so Out There it makes the rest of us Look Amazing

PREFACE to Evolution Part Two:
I don't have very many favorite t.v. shows. I like quite a few, but I hardly ever seem to catch certain shows regularly each week. To illustrate the veracity of this statement, consider the following: I didn't even know there were Mormons on American Idol until Kirk mentioned in in our Art Group tonight, and I only watched the last two episodes of Dancing With the Stars last time because I am obsessed to catch shamelessly attention-greedy stuffed into her girdle Marie Osmond being stupid. Naturally, now she's doing Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem or something and is looking fantastic. Grrr.

I love SuperNanny or Nanny 911. The attraction is simple; where do they find these people that make me at my worst look like a parenting Genius? The shows follow a predictable pattern: frazzled, helpless couple in their huge, beautifully furnished home totally destroyed by their 2.1 children under 7 who ravage the domestic landscape and each other from the minute they wake up until they finally drop unconscious after a 3 hour bedtime fray.

I did not have a "naughty stool", but I was not a melting, quivering mass in front of my 4 year old, either. Of course the results are always wonderful after Nanny teaches the family that structure really does free them from bedlam. It is rewarding to see the parents stop resisting common-sense and finally gain confidence in what Nanny is trying to teach them about their own little children, and each other. It's a beautiful thing.

Following this theme of ludicrously inept parents, and preparing the next installment of my anthropological observations raising a family - Oh my gosh! Just look at this:

And THIS:

All I need now is to hear Marie Osmond has a book coming out.