Tuesday, March 24

Hard Sell

Geithner move over; financial rebound is only a melt-in-your-mouth bite away!

Did you get your Church News with the 'Mormon Times' insert this week? How much money did you bet there would be mention of Marie Osmond? What are the chances she would not only be mentioned (again), but debut as spokesperson for yet another product?

GAG me. Now we have some mystical, "healthy" chocolate with a crazy meso-american
name and Marie's extra-cake-foundation mug all over it. If they could get away with calling it Book of Mormon Candy and offer testimonials about its spiritual benefits, or possibly a link to
DNA evidence (you have to be up on the latest B.ofM. scam that
carpet-bagging members are racking in the dough on to get that) then there really would be a veritable money-maker to turn the market around and how. Oh wait, it's the next best thing - a pyramid scheme catering to gulible Mormons who are interested in earning up to $5000 a month on something that cures allergies and high blood pressure, unsightly age spots, brain tumors, bleeding gums, and tastes like dessert! It's like a super righteous Word of Wisdom small business opportunity! It's packaged in bulk and recommended for your year's supply food storage! (Because after all, if distribution of goods and services is ever interrupted by a hurricane or an atom bomb, heaven knows we wouldn't want our families to go without chocolate). It's like, *blessed!

I want Marie's agent. This genius has succeeded in keeping her mediocre career one step out of Branson and on the talk show B-list forever - much to Donny's dismay. How anyone's career could survive her embarrassing Baby Doll exhibition on Dancing With the Stars is beyond me.
Maybe it was the fainting bit; sympathetic drama to energize the ever loyal fan base. She even exploited her post-partum depression as another headliner story - remember that? (Wouldn't we all like to "hand the Nanny the checkbook" and take a tearful drive up the scenic coast highway?) After a second divorce and the Nutri-system contract, all she needs now is one of her 8 kids making a scandal. Oh wait, that already happened - times three. Then she publicly criticized Billy Ray Cyrus' parenting. I am sure there will be another appropriately timed media opportunity, something that pops up right when her doll sales stagnate or her new Las Vegas show generates reviews. Her hair extensions look pretty good, though . . .

I am seriously going on a diet. It does not involve chocolate or any antioxidants that I am aware of.

* Hahaha - guess what? The swell testimonial page has since been expunged from their website. There IS truth in advertising after all. Too bad, though, comedic relief has its merits.

3 comments:

Cynthia said...

That cracked me up too, full page ads for Amazon Chocolate or some such silliness. Isn't she a Nutrisystem, or SlimFast spokesperson too? Isn't that a conflict of interest?
I don't get it. Is she loosing weight with the diet system? or the chocolate?

Bandanamom said...

Hmmm...maybe this is why I don't get the church news? (I realize it's a separate insert, but still...) I was kind if cracking up a couple of Sundays ago - I was attending church in the Central Ward (love that building by the way) and right outside the doors to the chapel they have massive STACKS of "The Beehive" full of all manner of such things as "Spiritual Vacations" (that one must purchase of course) and a husband and wife "eternal team" selling real estate and a number of pyramid type schemes thrown in for good measure. (Why is it that the people with the worst financial histories end up joining those groups who want to "manage" your money for you?) - I'm pretty sure we're not suppose to distribute this newspaper in the church building but whatever... But what really tickled me was that half the ward sits and reads it prior to the start of sacrament and several appeared to be still reading it after the meeting started.

Yaj said...

ALL chocolate is healthy, period, end of story, no argument worthy of attention.

Don't do Church News either - although, now that I think about it, I DOOO have time during Sacrament Meeting... hmmmm... thanks for the tip!